I have spent a great deal of time on introspection and
reflection and have come to realize that everything that we do, every reason
for our choices, our behavior, our accomplishments and our mistakes had to
begin somewhere. I started to look back on all the significant, intimate relationships
in my life and noticed a pattern. They were all abusive in some way, shape or
form. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Where was it that I learned that
this was acceptable behavior?
Have you ever had one of those
moments where you were being hounded by the same question, in different forms,
coming from multiple people? You end up hearing comments that seem relentless,
then you get frustrated and in your head you blurt out some random, sarcastic
answer (usually out of anger) and it dawns on you...ah ha! This is exactly what
happened after hearing the same thing over and over. "How do you end up
getting with these men?"
In less than a week's time, I
heard that question multiple times. There were comments made like: "You've
never had the best luck with men." "You don't exactly have the best
track record with men." "Why is it everyone you've ever been with
seems to love you in the beginning, then want to kill you?"
The last of
the comments came from my father who, on that particular day had managed to
spike my blood pressure a few points, and in my head I yelled "YOU DID!
YOU TAUGHT ME THAT AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WAS ACCEPTABLE!"
The proverbial "light bulb" went off and left me with the
inter-cranial quandary, "Why did that pop into my head and why did it feel
dead on?" Because it was.
Please, don't get me wrong, I
love my father. My father is a Vietnam Veteran. The soldiers that returned from
Vietnam were the first to exhibit documented behaviors, such as personality
changes, sleep disorders, severe mood swings, increased suicide post war etc.
The Medical community finally put a diagnosis to these behaviors as "PTSD"
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don't mean to seem insensitive, but no shit!
I don't believe that Vietnam era veterans were the only soldiers to suffer from
this, but you have to consider the generations before them. No one talked about
ANYTHING! You were a soldier. You were trained to kill. You killed. It was your
job. End of story. For most, that story never ends.
The military teaches you that
emotions will get you killed. What it doesn't teach is that just like
everything else; emotions have a time and place. They instill in you a fear of
becoming emotionally attached to anyone because the enemy will use that person
to control you. To some extent, I think my father feared showing any emotion
towards us, especially in public, because he feared that we would be endangered
as a vehicle to eliminate him. With the emergence of Guerrilla warfare in
Vietnam and the fact that our troops, very well were hunted, I can see where
that was a rational fear. The other side of PTSD that
you don't see is the long term effects it has on families and children.
As a child growing up in the
mid-70's, early 80's, I was already an outcast. I was the daughter of a soldier
which meant that there was a great deal of family oriented, school functions
that my father was not available to attend. This was frowned upon for some
reason, probably because the Vietnam War was the most unpopular in American
History. There was no support for the war and soldiers were ridiculed and spat
upon when they returned. I am also part of the first generation in which having
two incomes was essential to survive economical decline. Divorce was becoming
more prominent and was seen as a failure (especially on the part of the wife)
and if you were Roman Catholic you were ostracized from the church. I was a
"latchkey kid". Mostly, the emotional abuse from
my father was emotional unavailability.
I remember most of my years as
a child being more like what I imagined boot camp was for my dad. You had a
routine, strict schedule, heavy discipline but what I remember the most was the
way he talked to my mom and to us. It was as if the more that he criticized,
the more he yelled, the more he pointed out your flaws, the more it would
encourage you to do better? In reality, the only thing it accomplished was
feelings of never being good enough and never being worthy. I spent my
whole life trying to make him happy, wanting him to be proud of me, not wanting to
step out of line and disappoint him, or my mother, or anyone.
Sigmund Freud was correct when
he said that a woman will look for a mate who resembles her father and a man
will look for a woman who resembles his mother. The most formative years for a
child where they learn all their foundations are between 2 and 6 years of age.
Even though they do not comprehend what they are learning, that is where their
foundations for adulthood begin. I know that my father did not have intentions
of creating this world for us, nor can I blame him for the fault of his
parents, but this is where the abuse started.
I am also part of one of the
last generations that society ingrained in our heads that as women, we would
only be accepted if we found an acceptable provider (husband), had children, maintained a
household AND were the first to be expected to have an education as well as
maintain a job to help provide. At this time, the man's responsibilities didn't
change much. Men weren't "stay at home moms"; they didn't cook, clean
or help take care of the children. Their only responsibility was to bring home
the larger paycheck and maintain the home repairs, vehicles, yard maintenance,
etc. It's no wonder why the next diagnosis was "postpartum
depression." (Just a side note, when I cannot explain why I am depressed,
I always say I am still suffering postpartum from when I was born, lol.)
I am not blaming my father, or
my parents for any of my life choices, nor their consequences. There is no
blame to be had. We live in a world where unfortunately, we are
"brainwashed" into some sort of ideal existence that is seemingly all
part of a larger agenda that none of us had a hand in writing. We are of a
higher species primarily because of our ability to communicate, but have been
told to sit down and shut up most of our lives. How is this conducive to
growth? In all honesty, one of the main reasons that my last relationship
turned physically violent is because I refused to sit down and shut up. I stood
up for myself. I stood my ground. My brute honesty is one of my greatest
advantages and my biggest flaw. I call things like I see them. I am neither
critical nor judgmental, but if you truly don't want the answer, I am not the
person to ask.
While it seems quite simple,
and is terribly over used...."Why can't we just all get along?" I was
raised Roman Catholic and while I no longer follow an organized religion, there
is one thing that holds true and I still believe in....
"Treat Others as You Would
Be Treated."
